Texts on Social Media, etc.
<message to U:>
“….. Lately I cannot stop thinking about the internet/online communication/social media — was thinking abt some stuff on the train and finally am writing my thoughts out. Been thinking abt it on & off for awhile but only now can start articulating stuff — need/want to do even more research/reading …..
(Finally) deleted my tumblr & twitter. Not having my phone is sucky right now mostly because I need it for its most obvious purpose, to make/receive calls haha. But not having it has been really good too. I think being in the city so far has made me think a lot more about my capacity for being alone, being alone a lot more, and how I rely on my phone / internet for like an immediate connection to my friends, and also to like ‘the rest of the world,’ but a lot of times that just leads to mindless scrolling. Not having my phone has just made me think about it more, combined with a lot of articles I’ve been reading.
….. I don’t know what is like an appropriate solution yet. I like that lately by not being connected to the internet all the time (not having date) I don’t get updated all the time, & I know that things will be different once I start working….. I think part of me right now really wants to delete facebook, but I depend on fb messenger so much. PLUS like almost all of the people that matter to me are not in the same place as me, and texting/messaging is a huge part of maintaining relationships (including you /of course/; including this string of messages). Ugh. Idk — just want to read more. I think that like complete removal from it is not a healthy solution either.”
<message to DN:>
“Okay I cannot stop thinking about the internet/communication/social media.
Part of it is introspective, understanding my relationship to the internet and how it has led me to be harder on myself by comparing myself to other people, by constantly being aware of things that I don’t know that I feel like I should know — at the same time being connected to things like Facebook / Instagram leads to a lot of wasted time just scrolling through seeing what’s going on. Even if I’m telling myself I’m looking for other artists / events / exciting stuff, ultimately it feels really unsatisfying….. probably because it is so fleeting. So on one hand I’ve been thinking about how I spend so much time pouring myself into screens / accounts….. Idk do you ever think about like how you look at screens? Like it hit me a month ago that when I’m using a laptop / phone it’s like my mind is going inside the screen…….. in that I’m looking at the interface and engaging with that…. I guess in the same way that we think of VR, something that isn’t real but feels real…. do you know what I mean? Like how even as I’m typing this I’m not engaging with my laptop the same way I engage with like….. the rest of the world. This is kind of derailing….. I kind of touched on this a little bit in one of my emails but lately I’ve been thinking about how some technology functions as an extension of the self….. specifically laptops & phones. TV is different because watching something is mostly passive, with the exception of using a remote. I just have been thinking a lot lately about how using laptops / phones feels so much like hacker voice ‘i’m in’ — like I feel like actively using a device is also actively putting your mind inside of it…. & I can’t tell if this is all like….. personal, generational, or ‘universal’ …
….. I hope I’m making some sense — I guess what’s triggering all of this has been being in the city & spending a lot of time alone, and especially now not having a phone, has made me realize how I use social media as a way of like….. being connected to everyone in my life, reminding me of what everyone is up to when I’m not with them, or what other people are up to even if they’re not in my life.”